Can't Stay Away
by Cazza80
Summary: Syed is back from his honeymoon, resigned to the fact that he must settle down to his marriage to Amira and try to forget about the man he loves and the events of his wedding day. But if only it was that easy....can he stay away?
1. Chapter 1

Syed's heart sank as the black cab approached the house that he called home. Over the last two weeks he'd conveniently pushed aside all thoughts about this place and the people here, as well everything that had been said and done on his wedding day, and had piled them into a locked cupboard in his mind and thrown away the key. But everything came rushing back like a flood the minute he saw the square, that door and his mum's face as she peered through the curtains at the arrival of her eldest son and his…wife. Wife. He wondered if he would ever get used to thinking or saying that word.

He had prayed to Allah while away, more than ever before, all day every day. He prayed that he would take this time away to reflect on everything that had gone before. To come to terms with the shape his life would now take, that Allah would help him to be thankful. Thankful for Amira, this beautiful and wonderful woman who'd agreed to be his wife. Thankful for his family, his faith and his community, to which he owed everything. He'd come to within a knife-edge of losing it all and knew how grateful he _ought _to be.

He'd even begun to think that there might come a time when he could make himself feel differently. He'd spent time alone with Amira. He thought he knew her inside and out before this time together, but away from the glare of their families and daily pressures they became closer than he ever dared to imagine. They walked and they talked. They held hands and kissed. They learned about each other and explored each other. He knew that this beautiful and fantastic woman had surrendered herself to him fully and completely, and he had opened himself up to her more than he had ever believed possible. He allowed himself time to convince himself that she could be and _would be _everything he ever wanted:

_We get on really really well....She really is beautiful, I can't deny that....I am so lucky....She loves me more than anyone or anything else ….I DO love her….In am IN LOVE with her, I AM….I CAN spend the rest of my life with her….I CAN….I'll be respected….I'll be somebody._

Yet _he _was never away from the forefront of his mind, not really. He infuriated himself so much that, even for two weeks, and away from the square and all the memories they'd made together, his mind _would not _and _could not _forget him. At the most unpredictable of moments, there Christian was. When he closed his eyes it was like he was right there. He could hear his voice, whispering softly to him. He could see those eyes piercing right through him, always seeing right into his soul. He could feel his velvet soft touch, taste him on his lips, and longed to be where he was.

_What is he thinking? How is he coping? I wonder what he's doing today. Is he over me or does he still feel like I do?_

It didn't help that Amira seemed to be unable to stop herself bringing up their _friend_ in conversation, virtually daily. Oh, how pleased she'd been that he'd been able to make it to the wedding after all. But oh, how empty he'd seemed on the day. Why had he left so early? What had he said to Syed as he left? How pleased she was that Syed had found such a true friend.

_My God, if only she knew_, Syed thought.

His mum's parting words to him at the wedding rang through his body like a stuck record every time he caught himself thinking about Christian: _"In time all this will pass. It will fade to nothing."_

But as the hours and days had passed, he knew there was no way this would EVER ring true. Absence, as they say, certainly made this heart grow fonder. Christian was the other half of him, and he the other half of Christian. He would and could fight this really hard with all of his being, and show his disguise on the outside, for the good of his family, Amira and his faith. He remembered that Christian was now as good as a million miles away from Walford, which definitely helped with the daily pretence, knowing that he wouldn't bump into him on every street corner. But despite this, he knew that from now on he could no longer deny that he felt their hearts would always be inextricably entwined, from here on in. The worst thing was knowing that Christian felt the same and that neither of them could do anything to make the pain better. Syed cried inside knowing that he, himself, had been the sole cause of all that man's pain, and against his own will. He would never forget Christian's beautiful, heroic and calm reassurance to him on his wedding day that it was _'all ok' _even though they both knew it never would be. And he would NEVER forgive himself for allowing Christian, tear-stained and resigned to his loss, to walk away out of his life forever, sacrificing his own needs for Syed's, and doing NOTHING to stop him.

As the dreaded moment came and the cab came to a stop, he felt that sinking feeling coming back:

_Time to paint on that happy façade I've come to put on so well. This is my life._

The weight of expectation fell down around his shoulders like a heavy blanket as he stepped out, paid Charlie the fare and watched Amira reach out in excitement to hug his mum.

_Zainab: My new daughter! Welcome home my darling! And Syed. You both look wonderful. Oh I can't wait to hear all about it!_

Syed swallowed hard as he edged the door closed. This was going to be fun.


	2. Chapter 2

Zainab wrapped Amira warmly in a tight embrace, just as his dad hugged Syed tightly. He held on tightly and didn't want to let go, secure in the knowledge that, at least for now, Masood was not judging him. Momentarily though as they swapped places, Syed saw his mum's entire body visibly stiffen as he reached towards her. Always one to keep up appearances though, and seeing her family watch her response to her eldest son expectantly, she reached over and gave him that token hug he'd come to know, that cold but dutiful hug just like he'd received on the evening of the wedding as he and Amira had left.

'_Syed.' _

'_Mum.'_

'_So, both of you, tell us all about it! What was it like? How was the weather? What did you do? I was speaking to someone at Mosque who was telling me they've been to that resort and it's just beautiful.'_

'_Ok, easy dad! Let's put on the kettle then we'll tell you all about it.' _

……………………………………………………………………………………………………_._

Zainab made sure that she focused solely on her new daughter-in-law, who was only too excited to relay every last moment of their honeymoon. She was too worried what might come spilling out if she allowed herself to meet Syed's gaze or allow him to meet hers. This suited Syed fine as he still felt sick to be in the same room as her, let alone look her in the face and act all warm and fuzzy as if all in the garden was rosy. He'd let her down, she'd let him down, and he knew their relationship could never be the same again. He'd been dreading being back here, dealing with the aftermath, since the moment he left.

There was no mistaking it though. They were definitely back. He'd played the ecstatic new husband so well while they were away that he'd deserved an oscar, but he felt his cover fading fast. How could he keep up this pretence when all he wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry? As Amira chattered on and on to her new in-laws excitedly about how fantastic the honeymoon had been, and all the wonderful things they'd seen and done, and all about her 'amazing' new husband, Syed felt himself switch off, the excited voices fading further and further away as memories of him and Christian together rose further and further into his consciousness. Syed couldn't sit and hear how amazing his bride thought he was, secretly knowing he was anything but, and that he wanted to be anywhere but here.

Amidst the chatter, Syed was suddenly aware of his name being called out.

'_Do you remember that night babe? Syed? Syed?'_

'_Oh, sorry. I'm in a world of my own over here.'_

'_Are you sure you're alright babe? You've looked really tired and pale since the flight, and you were really quiet in the car journey from the airport.'_

'_Sorry, you're right, I'm just not feeling too great. Must be that long flight that doesn't agree with me. I mean, the Maldives were amazing, but the 10-hour flight certainly wasn't! Do you mind too much if I just go up and lie down for a bit? You stay here and finish your stories. I'm sure mum and dad are dying to hear more, and you tell it all much better than me anyway! I always miss out the details I know you women love so much, mum especially!'_

Zainab smiled a half smile in recognition that, despite all that happened lately, she couldn't deny that she and her son had the kind of relationship that meant he knew so many of her little quirks. Facts like that, married with the events of his wedding day that they could not take back, broke her heart.

'_No of course not. In fact, why don't I come keep you company? _Amira's lips curled into a smile, clearly hoping that Syed's 'lie down' story intimated something more than what it did.

'_No, honestly babe, think I just need an hour or so to sleep some of this jet lag off. I'll be fine, you stay here.' _

* * *

As Syed made his feet move one in front of the other up the stairs his thoughts turned to the man he just couldn't shift from his mind. He couldn't go on like this and just needed some time alone to pull himself together.

He'd had no contact with Christian since that bittersweet last kiss and Christian's sad parting glance, and his head told him that was for the best, but he was never far away from his heart. He knew that, on his wedding day, he had finally been able to convey to Christian just how deep his love for him he was. It reassured him that Christian would always now have that to hold onto. Not always hearing some constant denial from him of who he was, but that Syed truly felt the same about him as he did about Syed. He had been able to tell from Christian's tender kiss on his forehead that Christian had received that message loud and clear. They didn't need words. They looked deep into each other's eyes and felt each other's touch, and knew what the other was thinking. It had always been that way. In that moment, he knew that Christian understood him better than he understood himself. He had known that, while to an extent this was all Syed's choice, all along he hadn't really had a choice. Christian had come to a calm acceptance that if he loved him so much, he had to let him go, not closure with the usual anger, but with a loving kiss. Syed had appreciated that gesture more than Christian would ever know, but it broke his heart to accept it.

How every part of him had ached for Christian to get in touch, just once, from wherever in the world he'd gone, just to reassure him he was ok, that he wasn't quietly falling apart without the support from anyone who knew or loved him. Syed would speak to Jane when he could, just to make sure she'd heard from him.

His eyes welled with tears that felt like they would never stop falling as he continued the weary climb up the stairs, resigned to the fact that ultimately _he _had chosen this life. Christian had given him a million separate chances and he hadn't had the guts to grab on to any of them. He only had himself to blame. Never again would anyone ever just _get_ him the way Christian did. His heart had truly been broken into a million tiny pieces that would never mend.

He rushed into his room and slammed the door shut, collapsing in a heap on the floor, relieved that at last he could release all the pent up emotion. With his head in his hands he wept uncontrollably for what seemed like an age. He wept for what he had done to Amira, for the life he wanted but would never be able to live, but most importantly, the fact that he'd ripped apart the life of the only person who he had ever truly fallen in love with. He missed everything about him so much and longed for his tender touch so much. What had he actually done?

He gathered his thoughts and crawled his way towards the bed, desperate for the relief of sleep. Even that was always uneasy these days, but it did numb the pain however briefly. At least asleep he had the chance of a happy dream containing the man he loved, instead of the harsh reality of his daily life without him. He lay down, stared blankly up at the ceiling, and was so exhausted that he fell almost instantly to sleep. He woke up to the sound of Amira fumbling not so quietly around in the dark trying to unpack their honeymoon things.

'_Oh, sorry to wake you babe, I was trying to be quiet. How are you feeling?'_

'_Better, thanks', _he lied, gritting his teeth. He couldn't imagine a time when this pain might feel better. _'I think that rest was just what I needed.'_

'_Think it's my turn to feel exhausted now. I've said goodnight to your mum and I'm going to get an early night, especially with being back at work tomorrow. She's really worried about you you know babe. She was asking me all these questions about how you were when we were away. It's sweet really. Maybe just go see her downstairs and just reassure her? I don't think she's heading to bed anytime soon, the baby is practising to be somersaulting champion apparently! Your dad's no help, he's snoring on the couch!'_

He steeled himself for this conversation. This was going to be uncomfortable. He knew they had to have it, and the sooner the better, but he dreaded it all the same.

As Amira headed to the bathroom to get ready for bed, he reached over to close the window. Something they already disagreed with – while he liked to sleep with an open window, Amira hated the draught they caused and the night noises they let in, so there was something else he'd already sacrificed to please her. _A quiet evening in the square, _he thought. All he could spot was one lone sole sitting on the bench in the middle of the square, huddled up in jacket and scarf against the frosty wintry air. _Rather him than me, _he thought. Why would anyone choose tonight to be outside in the biting cold when they didn't have to be. He thought on reflection that maybe it wasn't that cold after all and that his body was still at the Maldives temperature just like his body clock was still on Maldives time.

Syed studied the lonely looking figure for a while, trying to work out what it was that was familiar about the man's frame, the way he sat there, looking up into the sky. Wait a minute, he seemed to be staring emptily over towards the house. Syed suddenly felt spooked seeing him extend his gaze to look up at him staring from the top window. At that, Syed rushed to pull the curtain across to obstruct his view, not wanting to be caught.

Intrigue got the better of him and he took a second look. His heart melted, his head began to spin and he felt an uncontrollable smile spread across his face.

No, he didn't dare think it….no it couldn't be…..he's _away. _Far away from here. Syed's head told him that, but his eyes were processing something different.

His mind went dizzy as he tried to work out the reality of what he could see in the square below him ….was it really _him_?


	3. Chapter 3

Christian had lost interest in most things since the wedding day. He usually took such pride in himself and his appearance but it had been the last thing he cared about lately. He hadn't shaved for days. He'd worn the same clothes for about the last week and was pretty sure he wasn't smelling too fresh these days either. What had it mattered though? He'd had no one to impress, and no business clients to charm, Zainab had made sure that door was closed to him too. Apart from Jane checking up on him a couple of times when he hadn't turned up at the unit in those first few days, and a couple of concerned phone calls from Lucy, no one had come near. He'd been out, but only three times, the furthest he'd got being to the new business venture he and Jane were trying to set up and one quick coffee with Roxy in the café. She'd actually had quite a sobering effect on him as he sat beside her. Who was he to sit there looking a state, like he was the one with the worst problems in the world when she was bravely carrying on like a trouper despite having just lost her dad? He'd felt so ashamed that when she asked him how he'd been he felt it inappropriate to burden her with his troubles as she battled with her own grief.

He looked in the mirror that morning and had a quiet chuckle to himself. _Look at the bloody state of me!_ He realised now what everyone else saw. He'd become a bit of a shadow of his former self since that dreaded day, the day he didn't even like thinking about, when his world had come crashing down around him. He'd lost weight and looked gaunt, pale and exhausted. Jane had kept telling him he had to get over himself and things had to go back to 'normal' whatever the hell normal now was. For him, normal had become him and Syed together, alone in his flat, just talking, being together, knowing each other inside and out. Now that had gone.

He'd tried to put on a happy front but obviously that hadn't fooled people. Jane had overheard some sideways comments, others had taken her aside for 'a quiet word' to ask if her brother was ok. She'd spoken to him about it, but he hadn't given a damn. The last three weeks his life had felt pointless and empty anyway, what were the comments of a few nobodies? His life had been moving on autopilot and he'd been merely existing, not really living. Everywhere he went, reminders of Syed were evoked, and the knots those feelings induced in his stomach were the one reminder that he was still capable of feeling anything without Syed in his life. As much as he disliked being reminded of these feelings, at the same time he _needed _to feel them for his own sanity.

But he decided that today was the day he should start sorting himself out. The new business wouldn't even get off the ground if this was the best effort he could muster. Jane wasn't managing, that was clear. She'd said _he _was the one with the natural charm and charisma, the instinct that meant Masala Queen clients had been putty in his hands. She needed him to find that aspect of himself again. As he straightened himself up, put on some decent clothes, sorted his hair, and shaved his stubbly face, he reasoned that if he didn't start having some self-respect again, how could he expect anyone else to respect him? Today of all days there was another reason why this was important, especially if the rumours Jane had overheard in the café were true. She hadn't been in contact with Zainab since hearing the awful things she'd said and done to Christian at the wedding and afterwards, but was sure she'd overheard Tamwar in the café telling Jay that today was the day they were back from honeymoon. The one and only person he wanted and needed respect from should be back today. If ever there was a reason to get up and out, today was it. He splashed himself with his lover's favourite aftershave as he left the flat for only the fourth time this year with a newfound glint of confidence.

* * *

Christian knew he'd made the right choices on the wedding day, however much those choices had broken him. He'd come so close to doing many things that day. He'd been so full of anger on the morning of the wedding, he could have willingly 'outed' Syed in front of everyone who meant anything to him. He'd aggressively told Jane that he was a coward. How little he knew. He later realised that, if anything, Syed was the hero. He would sacrifice himself, and his own happiness, every time and at all costs, for the love and preservation of everyone else. Christian had come to a calm realisation that day that if he forced Syed into revealing all now for his own selfish reasons, he'd lost him anyway, he was sure of that. There would be no way back for them if he were to reveal Syed's secret.

Then he'd had the choice to get away from here, to take the easy option Jane had set up, as she'd desperately worked to stop him derailing the wedding. Miami certainly had its appeal, and was clearly the easiest option, the path of least resistance. His bags were packed, his ticket booked and his mind made up. He was so tired of the constant battle between maintaining his own dignity while trying in vain to make Syed admit to himself who he was and to see that he would always be there for him if he chose him. If by now Syed still felt unable to fight for him and would let him walk away, he couldn't hang around watching him play happy families with Amira for the rest of his life.

But his resolve hadn't lasted long. It was the look on Syed's face as they parted for the final time that had done it. The love for him that Christian had finally truly seen in the young man's eyes. Those eyes that pierced Christian's soul as Syed despondently searched him for that comforting reassurance that he knew only Christian could give him. Syed's sorrow showed. After all they'd been through to get to this moment, he found himself married, his heart empty and Christian alone. His calm reassurance that _"it's all ok"_ even though he knew it wasn't had killed him to say, but he knew it had been what Syed needed to hear to move on. The realisation that he'd broken both of them with his choice, but that he'd not lost Christian's love. He'd let him go now because he had to, but sure in the knowledge that Syed's love for him was unchanged. He'd let him go _because _he loved him. In that instant both men had managed to convey wholeheartedly everything they felt for each other and always would. Syed truly loved Christian the way he loved him, and that had to be enough for him.

An empty and destroyed man had stood before him that day, and as he walked away Christian only then appreciated how much Syed had had at stake, what he stood to lose no matter what decision he took. He knew there and then that he just wasn't ready or able to walk out of Syed's life for good. As he walked away from him at the hotel, he promised himself that he'd _never _leave Syed alone to face the future. He'd always be here, whenever he needed him. And ultimately that meant being in Walford, however hard that might be, ready to rescue him when undoubtedly, at some time in the future, he would fall. He would need him from now on, more than ever.

The words had tumbled out of his mouth with such ease and resolve as he'd climbed heartbroken into the cab.

"Albert Square, Walford".

* * *

Ever since the confessions of Syed's wedding day, Zainab's bitterness and denial had gone into overdrive. Her barbed comments were petty and scared at best, spiteful and cruel at worst. He couldn't look at her, but didn't have to to feel the emptiness behind the countless exaggerated honeymoon stories. _I mean, the very fact that a deliriously happy couple on their __honeymoon__ have nothing better to do than check in with their parents every day is worrying in itself. _He was sure Syed would be having an okay time, after all Amira was a lovely and beautiful girl, but he knew in his heart of hearts that all this overzealous gushing on Zainab's part was purely for his benefit. When she started, Christian would shut her out by closing his eyes, entering his own little world and reminding himself of Syed's wedding day confession:

"I'm gay….and I love _you_"

But while his head and heart knew the root of Zainab's ramblings, it didn't make it any easier to come into work and take an emotional battering day in, day out, knowing what she thought of him. Well, he thought, not so much him, he'd been dealing with narrow-minded people for long enough not to allow them to get him down. However, after Zainab's tirade towards him on the wedding day, he'd felt heartbroken for Syed that the mother who claimed to know him so well and love him so much could be so ashamed by a part of him that makes him who he is.

* * *

Today, he conceded as he walked across the square, would be one of the most wonderful and painful experiences of his life if it were true. Since he'd met this man, they'd seen each other most days, shared so much. These three weeks apart with not a single contact from Syed had almost killed him, and that first sighting of him would feel absolutely electric he was sure. He could almost feel his body respond in anticipation of that first sighting of him. But he'd be forced to stand aside as the seemingly perfect golden couple were welcomed back by friends and family, their whole lives in front of them, sharing the life that he felt bitterly he and Syed had been robbed of. He'd have to witness Syed looking at her the way he should be looking at him. That agony would be bearable though in contrast to how things could have been if he'd decided to stay away, resigning himself to a life of perhaps never seeing him again. No, now he didn't know how he could have ever contemplated a life that didn't have Syed in it, in whatever way that was going to be possible. He would be near him and that would have to be enough for now.

He knew that from the moment Syed returned, Zainab would be watching his every move like a hawk, desperately trying to ensure that her poor innocent boy didn't succumb once again to Christian's "predatory" pursuit of him, his "perverted obsession". He knew that he'd have to be careful. Yes, he needed Syed to know that he was there for him, but he needed him also to understand that things could be different this time. That of course his heart had ached for him every minute since they were together, but that he had accepted how things were and there would be no pressure, no chasing, no demands. He wanted him to know that ultimately he could be a friend, the person Syed could turn to when he thought he might fall. After all, that's where this started, they were friends before they were lovers, and that's what Syed would need. Nothing that would complicate his already impossible situation. _Yes_, he steeled himself. _I can do this._ That was enough for now. Well no, he reasoned, it would never be _enough_, but it was all that it could be, for now anyway. He would never give up on him.

He just needed a way to make Syed aware of this, without alerting suspicion. As far as Christian knew, Syed was in for a shock that he was still around. Christian had already prepared himself for what he would do, say, when he accidentally bumped into him in the square, the Minute Mart, the launderette. But Syed would have presumed that he had left the wedding with his bag that night as planned for pastures new, thinking that the one saving grace of returning home from honeymoon would be not having to see his face everywhere he went. Boy was he in for a shock. In time, a good shock, Christian hoped.

* * *

Christian didn't know if they had arrived home yet. He'd been at the business a few hours now and achieved virtually nothing, too busy keeping one eye on proceedings out the windows, and going for regular breaks trying not to miss a glimpse of him. He'd been trying to keep his mind on the job but failing miserably. Today, concentration was especially important as he attempted to get his head around the procedures for managing the business's finances. _Probably not the best day, _he thought, _to be trying to give this my undivided attention. _

At Masala Queen everything to do with finance had been his stumbling block. He just didn't really get it, and he and Syed would often joke about his lack of business savvy. Sure, like Jane said, he had the charm and charisma down to a tea, but he was much more about the hands on, and left the business strategy to the others. Much more of a doer than a thinker, Syed had said cheekily one Sunday afternoon not so long ago when they had met there under the pretence of _'catching up with paperwork'_ after a hectic week of evening dinners and functions. With everyone else accounted for, what with Amira shopping and Zainab under the weather and resting at home with Masood on call, it had been the perfect chance to spend some quality time together alone.

He remembered that day fondly as it was one of those rare times where he saw the real Syed unleashed, the man confident with his sexuality and with the physical aspects of their relationship. When no one else was around, Syed was different, unreserved, uninhibited and outgoing. It melted Christian's heart when Syed felt free to flash his gorgeous smile honestly like he had that day, as he teased Christian affectionately, tickling his sides and ribs playfully. He loved how beautiful Syed looked when he felt relaxed, carefree and unthreatened, and had often wished it could be like that more often when they were together. It was so often a glance here, a touch there, being careful not to let the "straight" mask slip in public. What he would have given to have been able to hold their heads up high in public, and do normal things like hold each other's hands, stroke each other's faces, whisper in each other's ears. Just like any normal couple, just for a while.

He closed his eyes and blushed to himself as he remembered how persistent and dominant Syed's seduction of him had been that day, the door tightly locked with no one coming by. How he had taken charge and consumed all of him before they had even moved beyond the kitchen. It had been dominant, but also beautiful and tender, just like it always was when Syed made love to him. First the light tender kisses in all the spots Syed had found and remembered so well, had him calling out in ecstasy. His hands, neck, shoulders, cheeks. Christian would never forget how he tasted, or how his strong, soft hands explored his body urgently as they moved lower and lower, removing each piece of clothing in turn. Button by button he had lost his shirt as Syed's wet lips hungered for him, tracing every contour of his chest, stomach and naval. Christian had felt his body respond instinctively to each and every touch as Syed's hands traced over his back. As he pressed him urgently up against the cold metal fridge, and their lips found each other's again, the contrast of the icy coldness and Syed's warm gentle touch to his body sent Christian's senses into a frenzy and he was ready for him there and then. Never before had he responded so quickly to another man's touch, he was usually the one slowing things down for the benefit of his partner, but Syed had an unexplainable effect on him. Syed had removed his bulging trousers and boxers expertly, never allowing their lips to part from each other. They kissed hungrily, and they made love, slow and beautiful but deep and passionate, and Christian couldn't remember having ever felt more in sync with anybody. Right then he hadn't needed anybody else in the world.

Feeling himself becoming aroused at the very thought of Syed, Christian brought himself back to earth with a slap across both cheeks. _For God's sake, get a grip man! _How could he get from budgets to yet more images of sex with Syed. He was totally obsessed and it wasn't healthy. Thoughts of him infiltrated every moment of every day in so many ways.

He hadn't even noticed the time passing. It was gone six now and time to call his wildly productive day to a close. Any more "work" was pointless, as he'd spent more time at the window than at his desk, so he decided to lock up and head home, exhausted. But as he reached his flat and turned the key to enter he heard two familiar voices that would stop him dead in his tracks.

"_Oh my God, great to see you girl! How was the honeymoon?"_

"_I'm telling you Chels, it was totally extra! Absolutely mindblowing!"_

He rushed inside before he could be seen and slumped down against the door, clutching his heart. This was it! They were back. He thought he knew this feeling, thought he'd felt it the whole time they were away. But now he knew he was near, he realized those feelings he'd had for the past three weeks didn't even compare to how he felt now. Knowing he was so close, he didn't even need to see, hear or feel him for the fire to once again intensify inside of him and his body react to his need for him. But she had said it was _"absolutely mindblowing"_? Had he really needed to hear that?

* * *

He'd been sitting in the middle of the square for what seemed like hours in the bitter cold, snow all around him and a bitter wind whistling. But he was almost immune to their effects, sitting wrapped up against the elements, one man on his mind. He didn't want to make himself obvious, but the sub zero temperatures had sent many people indoors early so he felt safe in the quiet.

They'd often done this in the weeks and months before the wedding. Their way of saying goodnight if Sy had been unable to find another excuse to get away from the house for a few minutes or hours to come to him. He would sit, out of view of the rest of the house but in full view of Syed's upper floor bedroom window. He sat patiently, unsure if he'd remember. So much had been said and done. Or maybe they'd moved rooms now they were…sharing a bed. He recoiled at the thought. No, they were no doubt indoors regaling Zainab, Masood and Tamwar with exciting tales of the Indian Ocean resort they'd been to on honeymoon. Whether he believed it or not, he knew Syed would have to go through those motions to keep up the pretence, if not now for Zainab then for his new wife and the others in his family.

As he got himself ready to up and leave, heading home resigned to the fact that he wouldn't see him tonight, he saw the familiar sight of the light go on in the room. He looked away, and huddled his neck into his coat, just in case it wasn't him. The light going on had always been Syed's sign to him that he was ready before it was switched off again to allow Syed to see Christian's full profile against the dark night. But he couldn't yet be sure that tonight it was Syed. He'd need to get used to that. But if it was Amira, he knew that from that distance, if anybody else looked out, he might've been anybody if he didn't draw attention to himself. After a couple of minutes, he saw that the curtains had moved slightly from the lights he saw dancing within. As those familiar eyes appeared at the window, Christian heard his heart thump, quicker and quicker in his chest, beating against the tightness of his coat. It was as though in the last three weeks his mind had diluted the extent of his beauty, but once again he knew there was no doubt. He had never before and would never again know another person of such stunning beauty, inside and out. He remembered everything once again, how stunning he was, everything they'd had, and everything they'd shared and he felt his body tightening yet again. Even with the slight distance between them, he remembered again how this man made him feel. Syed didn't meet his gaze straight away. But when he did, he knew. He knew this time away had changed nothing of how Syed felt for him. Or he for Syed. If there were ever any doubts, they were settled there and then. Their hearts still belonged to each other. Christian put his fingers to his lips and reached them out in a gesture to Syed as he always did, hoping that he caught his kiss.

_I'm here for you, Syed. I love you. And I always will._


	4. Chapter 4

**SORRY FOR THE DELAY ON THIS LATEST CHAPTER. I'VE DISCOVERED THAT IT'S REALLY HARD TO WRITE A FIC WHEN THE ACTUAL STORY UP TO THIS POINT HAS ALREADY BEEN PLAYED OUT ON SCREEN! HOPE IT'S OK EVERYONE. THIS CHAPTER IS JUST A STEPPING STONE TO GET CONTINUITY FROM CHAPTER 3 UP TO PRESENT DAY WITH THE STORY TO CONTINUE IT! BEAR WITH ME!**

* * *

6.40am. _"Is that all?"_

Syed stared emptily between the clock on his right and his wife lying blissfully unaware to his left, wondering how, for another day, he could put off the inevitable. His methods of avoidance had so far been Oscar-worthy, but her resolve was beginning to crack. Rightly so. Like every new bride, Amira had deserved to be cherished and loved, wanted, treated like a princess. She deserved the fairytale. And the longer the honeymoon had gone on, the less convinced Syed had become that he could convincingly pretend fulfil this role. Now that it was over and they were back to reality and 'normality', whatever that was, it had just got a whole lot harder. Now there was Zainab watching their every move, desperate to eradicate this 'gay phase' as she perceived it to be.

He hadn't banked on this being so hard. Caught up in the glamour and preparation for the _wedding_ iteslf, he had stupidly had given little thought to (or rather, not allowed himself to think too much about) the reality of actually living out the _marriage_.

Amira had been so patient where others wouldn't have been. She'd had higher expectations than this for the start of her married life, but she'd never showed it, never pushed him, accepted his excuses. But he knew that she was already beginning to question her desirability as well as her worthiness to be a good wife to him. He knew it wasn't fair, but he wasn't ready to confront it, not yet.

He recoiled in horror at the thought of Amira sharing the parts of him that he longed to preserve exclusively for Christian. Not his heart, Syed knew fundamentally where that would always belong. But sooner or later, he would need to give his body to her.

As he looked down on Christian from his window that night he returned from honeymoon, how his heart had been filled with renewed love for him. The moment he saw Christian, when he'd quietly proclaimed his love for him, had startled him and yet had not been completely unexpected. His familiar presence, in the place where he had always used to stand to say goodnight, was reassuring. The very sight of Christian and the comforting sentiment behind his deeds took his breath away, as it always had, and afforded Syed a more settled night than he'd experienced in the whole 3 weeks since they'd parted on the hotel steps. A feat that he hadn't managed on a single night since. Christian had always had a way of instinctively knowing when he needed him the most.

However, Syed had known from his body's response to seeing him that night that any meeting with him had danger written all over it, so he'd resolved to stay away from him. He considered that he'd done a pretty good job of it up until now. Ok it hadn't even been a week. They'd had just one chance encounter at the Minute Mart in that time, where they'd passed each other like no more than mere acquaintances, not former lovers. Even this brief encounter though had hurt, and served to show Syed how in tune they still were with each other. They'd bumped into each other as as they had both reached for the same newspaper, Christian not recognising him immediately in his cap as he selected a newspaper from the stand Syed stood next to. After this they'd both wandered to the fridge to select identical bottles of milk. Even in his despair, Syed had managed an inner chuckle at that one. It had also failed to go unnoticed by Patrick…..

Syed couldn't deny, and no longer wanted to deny, that his heart ached for Christian. Knowing he was so close yet so far away ripped him apart but he knew it was the way things had to be if he was to have any chance of making his marriage to Amira work.

Syed struggled to muster up the strength to get out of bed but, seeing Amira begin to gradually awaken, found the energy, knowing that the alternative was trying to come up with yet another poorly reasoned argument as to why today wasn't a good day for physical intimacy when she did eventually wake up. Between that and his mother's interference in every aspect of his life the house felt more and more like a prison every day than a marital home. He quickly slipped on trousers and a shirt and grabbed his iPod before heading out into the cold February air for a brisk walk. That usually helped when he felt like this. Which was pretty much all the time these days.

* * *

6.40am. _"Is that all?_"

Christian looked away from the clock, sulking at its refusal to hurry towards an hour of the day where he could sensibly get up. He rolled over and closed his eye again for the umpteenth time tonight, trying to remember Syed's face as he looked out of his window at him that night. Tanned from his holday and stunningly beautiful as usual, but at the same time somehow pale and empty looking. That had been almost two weeks ago, and apart from that only their brief few words in the Minute Mart indicated they were anything other than complete strangers:

"_Excuse me please."_

"_Oh, sorry." _Syed had turned round to apologise. "_Christian."_

"_Syed. How are you?"_

"_Yeah, brilliant thanks. Never better. You?"_

"_Yeah, great."_

"_Good."_

"_Good."_

They'd walked almost in tandem to the fridge. Reached out for the same bottle of milk. Syed had flinched and pulled away before their hands touched. Just as well, Christian thought, as he might not have been responsible for his actions.

"_Nice day. Cold, but bright"_

"_Yeah. Different to the Maldives, but I'm slowly becoming acclimatised to it again."_

Christian smiled. _"Yeah, just a bit different! _

_So how was the honeymoon?" _He asked as they approached the till.

"_Yeah, great thanks. Anyway, must get back. Amira's useless without her first cup of coffee of the day! See you around, Christian"_

"_Yeah, see you Syed."_

Christian opened his eyes. "_Nope, sleep ain't happening. Might as well just get up." _With that, Christian sprang out of bed, thinking a run might clear the clouds in his head from the bottle of wine he'd shared with Roxy last night.

* * *

Christian had been running for about half an hour when he seized the opportunity for a rest on the benches alongside the canal. If anyone saw him, he laughed, he hadn't stopped because he was unfit. No no, he'd stopped to watch the sunrise. It always was really beautiful above…the high rise buildings. "_Mmm, maybe not!"_ Anyway, he was quite well hidden alongside a rather overgrown bush, half obscured to those walking by.

Sitting with eyes closed he heard a distant humming. Someone with the same thoughts as me I guess. He studied the sound for a bit longer as it grew closer, and he felt his breath catch in his throat. That was the humming of an all-too-familiar voice. He opened one eye, not daring to believe who was heading towards and then past him on the far side of the canal, earphones in, humming along to music. But his ears hadn't deceived him. He held back, watching the man he loved for a few seconds. "_Thank God for overgrown trees." _He looked stunning as always. Hair unbrushed and all fashion sense escaped him, but stunning nonetheless. It was hard to tell what he was thinking. Was he happy. It looked that way on the face of it. He was standing tall, walking briskly, humming along to what seemed like a cheery tune. _Oh God, another one of Syed's really endearing qualities, _he thought. He always did fancy himself as the next X-Factor winning, totally lacking awareness of how bad a singer he really was. But he loved him for it.

He couldn't hold back any longer; couldn't miss this opportunity to talk to him.

"_Syed! Syed!" _

Christian rushed along the opposite side of the canal to Syed, trying to attract his attention despite the loud music booming out of the iPod. Arms waving frantically, shouting through cupped hands to add volume to his already raised voice. Syed turned around at the fifth call of his name and immediately appeared frozen in time. As he had turned to look and saw that it was Christian, Christian saw that look on his face. No more than a millisecond long before the all-too-familiar panic kicked in, but nevertheless, it had been there. That nervous smile that so instantly expressed his feelings for Christian. Christian walked across the bridge towards him, trying to catch his breath.

"_Christian. How are you?" _Syed looked down at his feet, as he had done so many times before in public places. He didn't dare make direct eye contact with the man standing opposite, and then continued walking ahead of him.

"_I'm ok thanks. You?"_

"_Yeah, great thanks."_

"_Really. That's good to hear. Haven't seen you around much at all."_

"_Well, things at the business are really busy. We've won a few more contracts and with mum being in the later stages of her pregnancy we're a bit short on staff."_

"_Yeah, about that Sy, I just thought it was for the best if I…."_

Syed stopped walking and turned to Christian. _"Yeah, mum told me about that. 'You deserted us', or something like that anyway."_

"_Hmmm."_

"_It's ok, Christian, you don't have to say any more. I know exactly why."_

"_Syed, I tried to rise above it and not let her get to me. But it was so hard, coming into work every day to face this torrent of abuse, and having my face rubbed in it about you and Amira at every turn. It was killing me."_

"_Look, don't worry about it. Like I said, I know my mother's not the easiest person to get on with at the best of times. Say no more about it. I think it's been for the best anyway, just all trying to move on with our lives without too many personal distractions. So what are you doing with yourself now?"_

"_I work for Roxy at the moment. Barman at the Vic's not exactly a long-term career plan, but it's fine for now." _ They both looked down and continued to walk.

"_So, you said in the Minute Mart the other day that the honeymoon went well. And Zainab's been keeping me updated, as you might expect. Was even desperate to read me your postcard. It's ok Syed, I was just pleased to hear it was going well. I get it, I know now we made the right choices on your wedding day, and you're absolutely right when you say it's time to move on. So we're able to just draw a line under the whole thing, then? This is your chance to be happy with Amira and I won't be standing in your way anymore."_

That had been a conversation killer. But it again stopped Syed in his tracks,

"_Sy?.......Sy?" _Still no response.

"_Christian please. Yes, like I said before, the honeymoon was fine, ok? Yes let's both just agree to move on." _Christian could hear the doubt creeping into his voice._ "So how long have you been working with Roxy? Are you still doing some shifts at the café?"_

"_Sy, quit changing the subject, will you? We need to deal with this once and for all, not sweep it aside. This is me you're talking to. You can't fool me that easily. Fine is a word you use to describe the weather, a trip to the supermarket, or your nan coming to visit. It's not a word that people typically use to describe what should have been the best holiday of their lives, the one that follows the happiest__** day **__of their lives."_

"_What do you want me to say?" _Syed began in that sarcastic tone that Christian saw right through as he tried to keep his emotions in check and continued._ "Oh Christian, the honeymoon was wonderful? It was the best holiday I ever had? Yes, we were in the perfect location. Yes, we were treated like royalty. Yes, the food was exquisite and yes, the weather was amazing. Everything Amira says about it is true. And to top it all off I was with the PERFECT GIRL! IT DOESN'T GET ANY MORE PERFECT THAN THAT! HAPPY NOW???" _Syed looked nervously around him as he grappled to regain his composure.

"_So Christian, can you tell me why, despite all this, I spent the whole three weeks wishing I was sharing it with the perfect __**man**__?" _Christian looked at Syed helplessly as he threw himself down on the nearest bench, his head clasped in his shaking hands.

"_Syed, I…." _Christian had reached out for his hand but it broke his heart as Syed turned away from him.

"_Look Christian, just leave it will you? I know what you're going to say, so before you stand there all smug and superior saying 'I told you so', reiterating your 'let's draw a line under it' speech, telling me you've already moved on, let me spare you the trouble. _

"_Yes, I should've listened to you on my wedding day. Yes we __**have**__ to move on, because of the choices I've made. I've made my bed and now I have to lie in it. I know I'm a total idiot, and it's my own stupid fault. I've ruined Amira's life. She's with someone who doesn't deserve her, and more importantly who she doesn't deserve. She deserves not to be loved like a brother loves his sister, but passionately and unconditionally like a husband should love his wife, and I just can't be that person. Like I said on New Years Day, I'm gay and I love you. Only this time, I'm admitting I made the wrong choice."_

Syed wept uncontrollably as the words he'd denied for so long came pouring out. As Christian sat next to him on the bench, Syed slid the opposite way to avoid the risk of touching him for fear of losing control. Syed blocked Christian's hand as it reached out to comfort him.

"_Sy, I'm not about to stand here and say I told you so. How can you even think I'd do that? I watched you agonise over this decision for months. You should know me better than that. I can see that this is cutting you up. _

"_But I'm also able to see when I've lost Syed. Much as I tried on your wedding day, I just couldn't compete with your family, your culture, with Amira, and it was foolish of me to even try, to put you in that position. I came to realise, watching the whole thing unfold, just how small I am in the bigger picture of your life. I could finally see the monumental sacrifice you would be making in choosing me in all of that, and I couldn't and shouldn't ever have forced that decision on you the way I did Sy. _

"_It was never my place to rescue you in that way. You needed to come to whatever realisations you came to by yourself, not with me cornering you into it. I mean, can you imagine if, on your wedding day, I'd stormed into that ceremony, all guns blazing, declaring my undying love for you in front of your entire family and community? My God, I wanted to with every essence of my being Sy, I wanted to scream out that I love you and you love me, but what would that have meant for our future then, eh? That was no basis for any kind of meaningful relationship, was it? You constantly resenting me for 'outing' you, for being responsible for driving and your family apart? I wasn't prepared to be the fall guy, I gave you more than one chance that day to admit to yourself and to other people the truth, who you are, but I wasn't about to humiliate you or myself by fighting a battle I couldn't win."_

"_Don't you see Christian, that I'm a coward and that farce of a day was one long episode of my total lack of decision-making? In one instant, do you know how badly I wanted you to leave the hotel and for me to never see you again? Then in the next breath I longed for you to pull apart these lies and admit to __**everyone**__ just who I am, who __**we **__are?_

"_Sy, I had no idea. But don't you see, I couldn't be the one to do that, it had to come from you."_

"_And I bet my mum never told you about the part of the day when it did."_

"_What?"_

"_Christian, I was furious with you when I found out that my mum knew everything. My façade within my family had slipped and I knew that my relationship with my mum had changed beyond all recognition in that instant._

"_But when she confronted me, I tried to make her see. Christian, I've never seen her eyes so empty, she really scared me. She started abusing you in the cruellest of ways and I couldn't stand it. I told her I was gay. I told her I was in love with you and at the very least I needed to postpone the wedding. _

"_She told me if I made the choice to be with you, to accept my sexuality, I would go on alone and outside of Allah's love. How could I face that? She gave me no choice. I had to go through with it, and learn to love Amira somehow, in whatever way I could."_

Christian sat dumbstruck next to him, sliding closer and reaching out to Syed who allowed him to place his hand gently on his thigh. Christian's eyes welled up as he tried to comprehend the enormity of Zainab's betrayal. It was unfathomable to him how any mother could stand by and watch her son torture himself by living a lie for the rest of his life.

"_Christian, I don't know what I'm going to do." _Syed broke down once again as he reached out for Christian who responded by accepting Syed into his tight embrace and holding him as he sobbed uncontrollably. _"I can't even bring myself to sleep with her. _

"_Sy, you've not even consummated the marriage? Blimey, I had no idea it was that sewrious. Man, Amira's a great storyteller then."_

"_Yeah she's had to be. It's one of the first things mum asked, bloody woman. Even the thought of it makes me feel ill. My excuses have been inventive, but I'm running out of ideas. I mean, what sort of husband am I that I can't even get intimate with my own wife?"_

"_A gay one?" _Christian surmised, half smiling trying to lighten the mood. Syed managed a half smile himself at the older man's wit.

"_Helpful, Christian, thanks!"_

"_Well I know what I need to do. And it starts with having a chat with your dear mother."_

"_Christian, no, I won't let you have more abuse hurled at you by that woman. Please, for me, promise me you'll stay away."_

"_Syed, I can't promise you that. "_

"_Promise me!"_

"_Ok, I promise I'll not go __**looking for her**__. I can't guarantee what will happen if I __**bump into her **__though."_

"_Try, for me."_

"_Ok Sy, I promise to try, for you." _Christian lightly kissed the top of his head as he hugged him one last time. _"And I promise to be there for you, ok?"_

"_I'd better go, Amira will be wondering why I'm not there when she wakes up. Excuse number 121 for no sex – I was talking to my gay lover about the fact that you and I haven't had sex yet. Ok, maybe not."_

"_You'll be fine. Good luck."_

"_Christian?"_

"_Mmmmh?"_

"_Thanks, you've been brilliant."_

"_Anytime." _


	5. Chapter 5

As Christian walked away from Syed and the canal he heard his mobile ring. _Sunday morning. Roxy. _Could only mean one thing.

"_Hi babe, I wonder what I can do for you at 10am on a Sunday!"_

"_Christian honey, you remember how you said just to call anytime I need you?"_

"_Uh huh….." _Christian sighed wearily.

"_This is one of those times. Chelsea's phoned in, can't do her shift, some kind of emergency or something. Please, please, please can you cover? I'd ask Ronnie, but she's gone AWOL yet again, and with Auntie Peg away I'm up to my eyes in it here."_

_Just what I need, today of all days, _Christian thought to himself. Chelsea and her flippin' emergencies. He wondered what it was this time. The latest pair of shoes? Having her nails done for a night out? He wished at times Roxy wouldn't be so naïve. She certainly had a lot to learn about being a businesswoman and at the moment Chelsea was taking the piss. In fact, a bit like Amira with her warped sense of priorities, he reasoned. So that's why they'd become such good friends!

"_Yeah sure. I had plans but I'll cancel them, FOR YOU! But you owe me one! Give me an hour, yeah?" _Christian chuckled to himself as he noticed that yet again the '_forget it, it's my day off' _that he'd prepared in his head yet again verbalised itself as '_yes, no problem'. _He didn't know how she did it, but his best friend had this knack of always managing to appeal to his better nature.

He arrived back at the flat, frustratedly hanging up. _If only I'd left that bloody phone at home. _This was the last thing he needed. After what had just happened he just wanted the time and space to try to get to grips with Syed's earlier revelations.

He needed a cold shower for more reasons than one. He jumped in and let the water cascade over him, his body stinging all over from the shock of the icy cold water against his skin, all the time trying to comprehend the enormity of what Syed had just revealed. Sure, he'd always known Zainab found out everything on their wedding day; God, he'd been responsible for most of it. But little had he known, until today, that Syed had had the courage to stand up against his mother and be counted. He smiled quietly to himself, filled with pride as he considered the guts it must have taken for him not only to stand firm against Zainab, but to actually support _him _and affirm the love Syed had for him. Tears stung his eyes as he thought of Syed doing battle on his behalf against the person in the world whose love and approval meant the most to him.

He had heard him properly, hadn't he?

_Syed actually told his mother he's __**gay**__. And he told her he __**loved me**__. __**He still loves me**__. _

Christian was jolted back to reality by an incessant buzzing at the flat door. Who the hell could this be at this time on a Sunday morning? Nobody he knew would even be up at this time. He sprung out of the shower and grabbed a clean towel, which he hurriedly wrapped around him as he dashed towards the door the buzzer still ringing its way through the whole flat.

"_Alright, alright! I'm coming, keep your knickers on!"_

He picked up the handset and barked down the line:

"_Hello! 999 emergency services. Where's the fire?"_

"_You. I thought I told you to stay…away…from my son. Open this door. NOW!" _The tone on the other end of the line was positively vitriolic.

"Zainab. I've been wanting to talk to you. You'd better come up."


End file.
